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Not the 10 Commandments

1 Thou shalt not have strange gods before me. Thou shalt not make to thyself a graven thing, nor the likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or in the earth beneath, nor of those things that are in the waters under the earth. Thou shalt not adore them, nor serve them: I am the Lord thy God, mighty, jealous, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me: And shewing mercy unto thousands to them that love me, and keep my commandments; unless of course everyone else is doing it, or unless it is a really cool idol and it gives you warm fuzzy feelings in your tum-tum.

2 Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that shall take the name of the Lord his God in vain; unless thou art unavoidably upset, then it’s perfectly understandable

3 Remember that thou keep holy the sabbath day, unless thou are really busy with thy job and prefer money over thy Lord. Six days shalt thou labour, and shalt do all thy works. But on the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: thou shalt do no work on it, thou nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy beast, nor the stranger that is within thy gates. For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them, and rested on the seventh day: therefore the Lord blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it. But this is only a suggestion; just go ahead and decide for yourself.

4 Honour thy father and thy mother, that thou mayst be long lived upon the land which the Lord thy God will give thee; but if they ever did anything that thou didst not like (especially when you were a teenager) then thou canst totally disrespect them; even publicly.

5 Thou shalt not kill; unless of course he was really a jerk to you.

6 Thou shalt not commit adultery; unless God spokest to thee and said it was ok; especially if thou needest some positive reinforcement and to be affirmed in thine own personal life choices.

7 Thou shalt not steal; unless thou really want to, then it is perfectly justified.

8 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. But if, however, he really deserved it for how he treated thee last week, then no big deal.

9 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house; neither shalt thou desire his wife, nor his servant, nor his handmaid; but if she is really cute and younger than your wife, then it is absolutely acceptible; even encouraged!

10 nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is his; but if thou dost not have much stuff of thine own, then go for it; it will definitely makest thee to have joy-joy feelings.


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